Getting Through Deployment as a Military Spouse

If there is one thing all of us somehow connected to the military understand… it’s this: deployment SUCKS.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked “How do you do it?” , “How do you deal with him being gone so much?”. Well, it’s not easy. This year my husband Nathan and I will be celebrating three years of marriage and six years total together! There was never a “pre-military” period in our relationship. We officially started dating while he was in the middle of A School, went through a 7 month deployment within the year, got married not long after, and have since faced countless DETs (detachments where they’re gone for 2 - 4 weeks), and now we’re in the middle of deployment number two. In all this time, there are a lot of things we’ve learned about each other, ourselves, and what being in a military marriage is really like! I wanted to take the time and write this blog post to share my experiences and offer the best advice I can. I want this to be not only for those navigating a military relationship, but also for those with loved ones facing deployments. It’s so important to know how to best support your loved ones!

STOP the comparison!
I know this is something you may hear all the time. It’s definitely easier said then done! “Well Hannah heard from her husband, why am I not hearing from mine?!” “Wow, they never seem to fight. How is this so easy for them!?”.
Communication during deployment can be very limited, so when you hear that someones hearing from their spouse while yours seems to be a little MIA can be disheartening. There are important things to keep in mind here. Rank and responsibility play a huge part in this! Everyone plays different roles, even in the same job. Some may have more time or more access to the computer and phone than others! There is never any denying that rank has its privileges, it may be a possibility that your loved one is a little lower on the totem pole and doesn’t have as much opportunity to talk. There are also so many times where the phones and internet are not working where they are. Maybe when they finally get time to call or email, the phones and internet happen to be down. I promise you that not hearing from them as much doesn’t mean that they love you any less!
Also keep in mind that there may be some people out there that make all of this look easy, especially when you’re new to this military world! Trust me, it’s not easy for anyone! Over time you just better learn how to navigate time apart. Also, you never know what is really going on behind closed doors. What’s the point the comparing your relationship to someone else’s when you don’t know the half of what really goes on?!
Comparison is the thief of joy.

2. Communication is KEY.

This is going to be a long section as it’s the most important piece of advice I could ever give. This applies to all marriages and relationships, but especially military ones. It’s so important to discuss your thoughts, feelings, and expectations about deployment before, during, and after!

Communication before a deployment can be rocky. There is a lot of tension. You are both nervous, anxious about leaving each other, and excited to just get it over with. You may find yourselves a little short-tempered towards each other and letting emotions just spill out. It’s important to recognize when pre-deployment anxiety is manifesting itself as outbursts towards one another! Communicate through this and always remember to not invalidate each others feelings. Discussing how you feel, no matter the feelings, will help you stay connected!

Sometimes during a deployment, communication can be exhausting. There is so much you want to say and never enough time or space to say it. Learning how to best communicate how you’re feeling to your partner is HUGE. Nathan and I have learned this through learning how not to communicate with each other. There have been times where I’ve tried to explain how I’m feeling and I’ve ended up unintentionally making him feel guilty or unsupported. I’ve learned to transition my words from “I can’t do ___, it’s impossible.” to “It’s hard for me to navigate ___ , sometimes it feels impossible but I’m trying and learning.” This also comes down to learning one another’s love language! I know my husband feels loved with an occasional email and just knowing I’m taking care of things and supporting him from back home. Meanwhile, give me all the words of affirmation!!!! This is huge for me since physical touch is usually my number one.

Also import to cover… expectations!!! Talk about how often you expect to hear from one another, what will need to get done while they’re gone, and about what they expect to hear about. As awful of a conversation as this is to have, talk about what they would want to know. Being away from home is hard, imagine having to learn while at sea that you’ll be missing a close friends or relatives funeral. Would your spouse rather wait to learn of sickness and deaths occurring back home? Talk about it. Another serious conversation to have, expectations about what homecoming will be like. Trust me, life doesn’t just automatically snap back to normal. There’s going to be a transition period! It’s the absolute best feeling in the world to have them back home, to the point where it’ll feel so surreal! Coming back home will be an absolute culture shock to your spouse. It’s important to understand that and give them grace! The routine you’ve established while they were gone will be thrown out the window. Patience, love, and understanding will get you through this!

Talk about TRUST. We’ve all heard it before. Port calls come, the wedding rings come off right? Oh, they’ll probably find a “boat boo”. The wives will have company back home! It’s no secret that a lot of military marriages end due to lack of trust and unfaithfulness. TALK ABOUT IT. It’s possible to have this conversation without being accusatory and condemning. Be totally honest about the temptations you will each face and what those will look like and how to navigate them. Talk about what no sex for 7+ months will be like. If unfaithfulness is something you’ve dealt with in a previous relationship, discuss the damage it’s done and your trust issues! If it comes down to it, seek couples counseling to overcome it. Know yourself and your partner!

Finally, communicate your support to one another. Let them know how proud you are and how their sacrifice does not go unnoticed! Be supportive to one another. Never end a conversation without saying I love you, no matter what the conversation is.

3. Navigating Life alone…

(this may get emotional) Here it is, the hard part. To go from a married couple, living together and seeing each other all the time to married but living life separately. The way I described it to my husband, he really took a piece of my heart with him when he left. It hurts. It sucks. It’s hard. I want him home. Something I’ve learned to do is just let it out. Let the bad days come and embrace them. There are times where I cry coming home because I know I’m coming home to an empty house. There are days where the weight of deployment is so heavy all I can do is throw myself a pity party and cry it out. There are times where I scream into my pillow about how unfair it is and how much I hate the Navy. AND THAT’S OKAY. You are allowed to feel all the deployment feelings. You are allowed to complain and be angry and want to punch everyone that says “well you signed up for this.” Let the bad days come, let your heart hurt, let it out, and pick yourself up and move on. Holding in those feelings and emotions will only lead to an explosion of negativity. Talk about how you’re feeling to your friends! If you find yourself really and truly struggling and unable to overcome that, please do not hesitate to seek help! There is strength in admitting that you’re struggling and taking necessary steps to recognize and overcome that. Depression and anxiety is not a fight that you have to take on alone.

In between the bad days, there are good ones!! I promise you there will be days where your heart is not as heavy. I’ve found that keeping up with a routine is so important! Find things to keep your mind busy. For me, I work from home so it can be harder to keep myself occupied sometimes. I’ll walk the dog, listen to podcasts, workout, make sure the house is kept up with, and find projects to work on! Find time to have dinner with your friends. Explore new places that you and your spouse can check out whenever they get home! Do things that keep you busy and make you happy! Be YOU. Focus on that. You have your own friends, hobbies, and career. Use those things to occupy your mind! Take this time to grow.

Be proud of yourself. This isn’t easy, but you’re doing it!

4. Find community!

Connect with the people that support you and understand! I can’t tell you how much it helps to just have conversations with friends that can end in “UGH YES! EXACTLY. YOU GET IT!”. Sometimes you just need to rant and cry about how much it sucks and no one understands that better than a fellow military spouse. Reach out to other spouses in the command! I promise none of us will be weirded out by a random Facebook message or text…. we understand! Especially when you’re new to an area it can be hard to find and make new friends at first. No shame in creeping fellow spouses social media to get connected!

Our church community has also played a huge role in being supportive. My husband and I are in a group all about marriage with a few fellow military couples that understand what going through deployment and being separated is like. Having a church family to fellowship and pray with and talk to helps a ton! That being said, our faith plays big part of getting through deployment! We have faith and trust in God that He’ll get us through it. Nathan and I are always praying for each other and our marriage. I’m always blown away by how much peace God brings into our lives whenever we reach out to Him!

Do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be afraid, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you; I will help you;
I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10 (HCSB)

5. Supporting Someone

I often get asked how to support someone who’s loved one is deployed and I love getting asked this. I’ll start by listing off things we don’t want to hear! We don’t want to be asked where they are or when they’ll be coming back because there’s a 98% chance we don’t know the answer. “Well you signed up for this” is a no-go. Just don’t. “It’s only _ months.” “I could never do long distance, I don’t like my spouse going out of town for work.” Those things are not comforting.

What is comforting is offering friendship! Just offering to listen or to be a shoulder to cry on. Offering dinner (we hate cooking just for ourselves). Especially if they have kids, offer help. Offer to come cook, watch the kids, help mow the grass, just come over to keep them company while they clean the house, etc. Just being there and helping to get their minds off of deployment helps more than you know. Words of encouragement help too! Letting them know how tough they are for being able to get through this and what a good job they’re doing. Just check in and see how we’re doing! Pray for us. Deployment isn’t easy and having friends and family to love and support you is everything.

Overall, I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel! Communicate and get connected.

Thank you to all those that sacrifice and serve and protect our country!!! Thank you to everyone back home supporting our troops and military families!